With so much winning, so much Simmons, so much Fultz, and so much playoffs taking up space in our minds, it's easy to overlook THE most important NBA story for the rest of the year: Joel Embiid's facemask choice.
His orbital bone safety, obviously, is most important, but a close second is the aesthetics of his mask decision, which could not only influence mask fashion for decades to come, but could possibly be a psychological tool used to intimidate opponents and win games come late April.
Jojo needs to make some crucial decisions: form or function, utilitarian or high fashion, functional or just funky. For his sake I’ve compiled a list of great mask options for him to choose from. The only wrong decision would be to go with the Rip Hamilton; this clear-plastic monstrosity is both hideous and boring and would do Jojo's sense of style (and flair for the dramatic) a huge disservice.
Without further ado:
1) The MF Doom Supervillain mask
Incredible convergence of comfort, protection, and timeless comic aesthetic, this doozy would not only protect his eye, it would shield his entire dome-piece, quite possibly spawn a new generation of MF Doom fans (a good thing), and cause the internet to convulse in spastic fits (also a good thing). It also could turn MF Doom into a Sixers fan (a great thing) and potentially spawn a rap remix to the 12345Sixers song (an amazing thing). Possible exciting ripple-effect: Markelle Fultz, yes, MF, could don the mask next year on opening night and debut the true MF DOOM character. Just imagine.
A classic, this would be an homage not only to a long-dormant slasher franchise (co-branding opportunities Jojo!!) but also goalie Gerry Cheevers, who in a mad genius move rocked the mask with faux stitches back in the 70's. Should Jojo go with the Jason (really it should be called the Cheevers) he should replace the stitches with pictures of Sam Hinkie, Rhianna, a nice TTP in handsome script, maybe some Philly skyline, with ample room to troll people left to spare.
Should Jojo decide he wants to make a real statement to the world, look no further than this mask. He'd drastically increase his credibility in anti-establishment circles, and perhaps become a spokesperson in the crusade against authoritarian regimes everywhere. I'd worry about his ability to breathe properly, and also he would scare millions of small children. And me.
Does anyone doubt Jojo is a frisky young man looking to meet, mingle, and canoodle with other freaky people in dark luxuriant settings? Well not anymore. If Jojo breaks out with this bad boy he's letting the world know, once and for all, he's a bad boy. Lightweight and flexible, I'm not sure it provides proper medical protection, but whatever he loses in orbital bone safety he gains in access to exclusive swingers clubs the world over.
Kareem. Hakeem. Horace Grant. Donning the goggles would align Jojo with some of the great big men of yore, not to mention my dad for whom goggle technology was the foundation for a killer mid-range game. This is hallowed company and with it comes a great responsibility. He could go square (ala Horace) or rounded (Kareem and Kurt Rambis), or he could go for the hybrid style my dad trailblazed in the 90's. While forsaking the groundbreaking, precedent-setting potential of the choices listed above, Jojo would be opting for a proven winner, and one that allows him to fully inhale and exhale oxygen.
As Jo has only fractured one of his eye sockets, there’s no need for a mask that covers both sides of his face. Enter the Phantom, popularized in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s 80’s musical about a tortured stalker who squats in an opera house and harasses the female performers. We already know Joel has a penchant for theatrics, and this mask would provide great crossover appeal to Joe Slaughter and the 2-3 other people worldwide who love both basketball and opera.
Whatever he decides I hope he goes with his heart. But he needs to choose wisely because this could not only make masks THE everyday accessory of the future, it could provide the extra advantage the Sixers might need to win a playoff series.
Or, as MF Doom himself put so eloquently:
"head on straight, mask on crooked
exit stage left with the cash gon took it”
